Tips for families adopting older children

Ruby and her fine catch of trout.

Daddy and Ruby hauling wood for winter.

Tips for families adopting older children.

I've come up with some tips for families adopting older children...especially since many families are making the "switch" to this age group. These suggestions have worked for us...of course I can not say that they will work for every family.

1. Read this book before you adopt and bring it along while you travel to China. It was so nice to refer back to this book when we needed to. This has been our most valuable book so far. There are many others that we read, but liked the simplicity that this one offered: Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray.

2. Make sure you have family time in China, even if it is swimming, taking walks, eating ice cream, playing cards or watching TV together. Don't be afraid to say "no" to missing out on the tourist trips. It is more important to start the bonding process. Your guide will understand.

3. Buy English learning DVD/CD's while in China. They are so much cheaper there and your child will appreciate it much more than the US ones offered. Also, buy movies in Chinese. Some won't play on the DVD player, even though it says, but you can play it on your computer. We bought several including a new US release movie "BEE" for under $4! Ruby also LOVES her traditional Chinese music CD's. She listens to them all the time and is of great comfort - music might be really good for kids under the age of 5 too!

4. Once you come home, don't have guests over or travel much. It is so nice and comforting for Ruby to know that our home is a safe fun place where she can relax and be herself. While we are home, we try to spend a lot of time together because it is a family place. We've been home one month and still haven't had people over. Although my Dad was here for a few hours the day after we came home.

5. We started Ruby on easy chores after day 3 or 4 at home. We use a chore chart with plastic tags and photos of each chore. It has given her responsibility in an easy way. We don't use the award system because these items are expected of her to do to help out with the family. She has responded very well to this and every day she wakes up she looks at her tags so she knows what is expected of her. I printed out photos of items that we do as chores that were not included in the kit. I bought ours for under $10 through Collections Etc or www.lakeside.com I can't seem to find it on either site now...so I'm not sure if they sell them anymore, but would be easy to make a homemade version.

6. We also keep a monthly calendar with photos, symbols and words that Ruby knows. She likes to be involved and updated on any changes. We go over each day together the night before.

7. We started to do 30 to 60 minutes a day of language workbook activities after week 1. Most of the workbooks were bought through Wal-mart. We started off with Pre-K and are now up to 1st grade. She flew through the pre-K/K and needs my help with 1st on maybe 50%. No matter, I always sit next to her and watch so she knows that I'm here for support. After she completes each book, we post her finished certificate on the fridge.

8. We posted a map in the office that has pins located where all of her adoptive relatives live. We are in the process of connecting each pin with a string to a photo of the relatives. Our family lives so far away that this gives her a better idea of how many relatives she has and who loves her.

9. We've also explained all the holidays coming up and that we are going to see relatives for Christmas. I know it seems far away, but it is important to us that she knows we travel far sometimes and that seeing family is a holiday tradition.

10. Ruby and I always pack her lunch together for the next day for Boys & Girls Club (my place of employment). She loves food and likes to be a part of the food choices. Luckily she likes healthy food, so we haven't had any power struggles with junk food yet.

11. Even though we are still working through the bonding process, we've found positive bonding activities like fishing, playing card games and Sorry, nail painting (even with Daddy!), baking/cooking together, taking photos of each other, looking through photos of when Mike and I where children and our wedding photos, looking at bugs and birds outside, reading books together at night (very simple books) and doing hair. High fives worked well during the first few weeks when she wasn't into hugging. Now she hugs all the time.

12. We eat together at least twice a day (difficult on working days, but we manage) and we always clear off the table as a family and clean the kitchen as a family. This is good for Ruby to see that Daddy can take on a motherly role too - which isn't common in China. She's even see Daddy cook and I think she was impressed!

13. We've also found it helpful for Ruby to play on www.funbrain.com There are great simple educational games for all grade levels.

14. We've had toys available for Ruby to play with that are for much younger children. This has been helpful and she's actually played with all of them. She even has a doll that she named after her Chinese name and sometimes strolls this doll in a doll stroller our friend gave us. Wang Mingnu has offered some good role-playing opportunities for Ruby. Sometimes adoptive children missed out on playing with these items and it's good to relive or regress through these stages if needed.

15. We always have one home movie family night a week and we pick out the movie as a family. Ruby is into fantasy. She loved the Spiderwick movie that just came out on DVD. Not recommended for children much younger than 9.

Hope this helps. I'll post some more tips as time goes on.

For the person trying to get a hold of me. My e-mail can be reached if you click on the profile section on this blog (right hand side). We are members on the BCWI yahoo group as well.