Our house is very quiet this evening. The snow is falling, the TV is off, Ruby is sleeping, the Christmas lights inside and out are glowing and our wood burning stove is so hot that it's not making much noise but a slight hissing sound. I love evenings like this.
Ruby's reading choice tonight was the book "Forever Family", which is about a little girl, named Rain, who was adopted from China. Again, Ruby had questions about adoption. Her key question of the night was ..... what was a forever family? This took me off guard because Ruby and I have read and processed (or at least I thought) this book at least twice before AND Mike and I have told her several times (beginning in China) that we are her Forever Parents and that we will never leave. Yet, until tonight she still thought that she would go back to her Chinese orphanage at some point in her life and get another new set of parents. Oh my gosh! My heart nearly broke when she told me this. I really thought she knew we were together forever. Yet, I can understand where she is coming from .....her birth mother left her, then she went to the orphanage for a few weeks, then she was placed with her foster family for 9 years (knowing all along that around age of 10 she would be placed back at the orphanage - how awful to NOT to want to turn 9 or 10!), then moved back to the orphanage at almost age 10 and lastly receiving new parents and moving to a different country on the other side of the world.
My dear daughter - I feel awful that we didn't make it clear to you that we are a FOREVER family and that you will never every have any other parents again.
After explaining to Ruby what forever really means, she had a big grin on her face and kept saying "you are kidding" and "really?". I'm not even sure if it has sunk into her head yet, but at least she now knows that nobody will take her away and she won't have to change parents ever again. One thing is for sure......we will be talking about forever families much more often!
On my next post, I'll list the adoption books we have read together and single out the ones that have sparked good conversation about adoption.
To other adoptive families: Please use our story to make triple sure your children (especially older children that have had a foster family) understand what a forever family really is. It saddens me that we assumed Ruby understood this. 5 months is 5 months too long for such an assumption.
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5 comments:
Wow. Poor girl! I bet she just feels so much more relaxed and at peace now understanding that you are her forever family. Great point to remember. I'm looking forward to getting the names of the books. We don't have any adoption ones.
I hate for y'all to be our "guinea pigs," but it's nice to learn the things you're working through with Ruby and gaining some knowledge for when Mallory gets old enough to ask questions. She's only 18 months, but I tell her over and over that I am her forever mommy and I will never leave her (then I instantly pray to God that He will help me keep that promise and live a long life!). It's great to see the strong relationship you both are forming with Ruby in that she can feel safe asking you questions about anything.
Don't be too hard on yourself for the misunderstanding. That is a hard thing to grasp when you have been through as much as she has in her young life and there is a language barrier. She may still not understand what "forever" is, but I'm sure her understanding will grow each moment that she is loved and reassured by you guys.
Thank for for sharing this story. It brough tears to my eyes for Ruby. She has been through many changes in her young life. But you and Mike are her forever family and I am sure you help her realize this every single day. You are such a great mom!
And, a big happy birthday to your beautiful daughter!
Have a joyous and very Merry Christmas!!!
Hello Skubella Family!
We hope your Christmas was Merry! Hello to Ruby from Stephanie (her Great Wall buddy!) Something that we did with Katherine that helped a lot, because she worried that someday "the people" would come for her, was to make a copy of her adoption certificate (the one with our photo on it with her) and post it on a door at her eye level. She could go look at it whenever she needed reassurance. We told her this paper proved that no one can ever take her away from us, that we are her family forever. It was something tangible that she could visit and touch and look at and it helped her so much! She has been home now for three years and it is tattered and torn and taped many times over. The other day I thought about taking it down thinking she did not need it anymore. She told me to leave it right where it was, tape and all!
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